


These Are My Friends (I Love Them)

by sadspencer



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Flirting, Excessive sighing, Fluff, Happy, I love drunk Spencer, M/M, Secrets, Spencer Reid is a Mess, Team as Family, and proud of it, he says what real spencer is thinking, he's also a whore, spencer sighs a lot because he's full of disappointment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:27:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28017729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadspencer/pseuds/sadspencer
Summary: "as much as i have enjoyed learning all these new sides to the kid, i should start going too. i'm very slightly starting to get old, and i really shouldn't have tested it with all those shots.""very slightly starting to?" spencer repeated. "rossi, i think you surpassed that like sixty years ago."••or the one in which spencer gets drunk and honest
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Penelope Garcia & Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & David Rossi, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Comments: 25
Kudos: 444





	These Are My Friends (I Love Them)

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'these are my friends' by lovelytheband
> 
> i didn't have a plan for this. i just started writing and didn't stop. i apologise for nothing. also, i have no specific time for this but i imagine it to be around season six maybe - before we find out about lauren reynolds.

it wasn't often that they all got together to go out for a drink. sure, sometimes a few of them would go out to a bar or something every now and then but generally that was just morgan, garcia, and prentiss. rossi preferred to stay at home with a glass of wine or to go to a jazz club. jj and hotch usually chose to spend time with their boys, only sometimes coming out when someone else was watching the kids. and reid often just said "not tonight" and only gave a smile in explanation when morgan would ask for more detail.

so when they did eventually all get together, it was memorable. unless of course, they drank so much that they physically couldn't remember it, which happened far more often than the federal agents were willing to admit. despite the initial plan for a lowkey night and only a beer or two, the second garcia suggested trying every single fun-looking and inappropriately-named cocktail the bar had, they knew tonight was going to be one of _those_ nights. 

it started off innocently enough. they all got to the bar, chose a booth and began relentlessly teasing reid for this being the first time in years since he'd joined them to drink. they'd hung out after work a lot (morgan would sometimes show up at his apartment unannounced with indian food and a collection of movies), but reid would always say no when they mentioned going to a bar. the last time he'd joined them with the intention of drinking was before rossi had joined the team, meaning that rossi had never even seen him drunk.

it had also been a while since jj or hotch had gone to a bar with them, but knowing why meant that they got away with a _glad you finally decided to show up_ and that was it. rossi didn't get teased either but that was because he let them get wine drunk at his at least once a month, though reid didn't drink when they did.

the booth they chose was at the back of the bar where they could see all the doors (they were fbi agents, they couldn't help being ~~paranoid~~ cautious). the lighting was dim but not too dark, and the music was much quieter away from the dance floor. this meant they could all hear morgan as he said, "so, pretty boy, are you actually going to drink tonight, or should i get you a coke?"

reid sighed. "i suppose one glass of wine won't hurt." he acted as if he was doing them all a great big favour, but the pull of a held back smile on his lips showed that he was only messing around.

"is this the day i finally get to see the boy genius let loose and have some fun?" rossi smirked. 

"i said one glass of wine, not a shot of tequila." 

"one shot of tequila coming right up," morgan laughed, followed by the cheering of prentiss and garcia. "and as for the rest of you, i know exactly what you all want. don't miss me too much!" 

garcia called after him as he left, "don't be too long, i miss you already", receiving a wink in response. 

the team chatted for the few minutes he was gone, making small talk and switching from agents to regular people.

"so, spence," jj started, "i've heard that none of us actually know what it is you do when you say no to coming out with us." spencer smiled. "do you just sit at home and read? or do you have a secret other group of friends that you go out with?" 

spencer was saved from answering when a tray of different alcoholic beverages was set on the table in front of him. derek handed everyone their drinks - a blue cocktail each for prentiss and garcia, a glass of gin for jj, a whiskey for hotch and himself, and a glass of wine for rossi. he looked at spencer and watched as the realisation dawned.

"you actually got me a shot of tequila."

"of course i did! but hey, you have a glass of wine too."

spencer sighed again and stared at the small glass in front of him as if it had personally offended him. if he couldn't hear the girls chanting "take the shot" over and over, he wouldn't have taken the shot. but alas, he had perfect hearing and so he tipped his head back and drank. he grabbed his wine soon after and settled back in his seat, looking up at his team who were all staring at him. 

"you didn't even - you didn't even flinch." derek stuttered. "you don't even drink, how did you just… not flinch?" 

"who said i don't drink?" his small smile could only be described as smug. "so anyway, i believe penelope was going to tell us a story about a cat, a blowtorch, and a sock, if i remember correctly?"

the next hour or two was spent regaling each other with stories and a different member of the team getting up to refresh their drinks. eventually came the dreaded occurrence of penelope insisting she be sent up. they refused at first, knowing from experience that it could only end in awful hangovers the next day, but the tech analyst was nothing if not persistent. 

"okay!" she said as she came back, the smile on her face only making their dread grow, "i'm starting you all off with blowjobs!" 

"if that's how the night is starting off, i'd love to know how it's going to end." rossi murmured amidst the laughter at the table. 

"you'll find out soon enough, lovely. for now, everybody have a blowjob!" she passed each of them a red drink in a cocktail glass, refusing to answer when spencer asked what exactly was in it. 

"garcia, i don't want to get drunk." he reminded her. 

"yes you do." she argued.

"no, i really do-"

"yes, you really do." she cut him off. 

he sighed. he seemed to be doing that a lot tonight. "okay, fine, fine, whatever. as long as you know that approximately eighty-eight thousand americans die every year from alcohol-related causes." 

"i am aware, baby genius. just as you were aware that getting drunk tonight was inevitable and you came anyway."

"you sure you're not a profiler, penelope?" hotch joked, taking a sip of his drink before placing it down in front of him.

"i don't know serial killers but i do know my babies, which is how i know that derek over there is going to choose the next cocktail and you're all going to drink it." as spencer and rossi started to protest, she talked louder. "yes, i have decided that tonight we are going to see how many funky cocktails we can drink before passing out. wanna bet who's going to drop first?" 

that caught their attention. bets were a common thing for them, it was pretty much the love language of the bau. they'd place bets about everything - how long it would take reid to notice the coffee machine was broken when he came back from lunch (hotch won that with his bet of less than five minutes); who morgan would blame for breaking said coffee machine (rossi won that with his bet of emily); how many times rossi would visibly cringe when they went to penelope's and watched her cook dinner for them (spencer won that with his bet of _we'll hit thirty and stop counting_ ).

this time, emily, derek, and penelope voted for spencer; rossi and jj voted for penelope; and spencer and hotch voted for jj. 

it was after three cocktails and a few shots each that the topic of embarrassing stories came up. jj had just finished one about the time in college when her roommate and three of her friends walked in on her having sex with her roommate's ex-boyfriend _("see, i said you used to be a mean girl!" "shut up, spencer"_ ) when emily replied "yeah it's super awkward being walked in on by a roommate but you know what's even worse? being walked in on by your parent."

naturally that lead to her telling the story of the time she was sixteen and had snuck a boy into her room.

"i honestly thought we were being quiet but next thing i know, my door gets practically kicked open and lo and behold: my mother! god, i thought i was going to die of embarrassment. so i panic, right? and i grab the guy and shove him under the covers - bad idea! mom walks over, taps him on the head where he had the blanket over him and says 'excuse me, young man, i think it's about time you left, don't you?' and i don't think i've ever seen a teenage boy run so fast. that also turned out to be a bad idea because he tripped over a t-shirt and faceplanted, butt-naked right in front of her! and i never talked to him again after that because i moved school before it started back up."

her story left everyone in peals of laughter but none were shocked - they all knew emily got up to a lot of trouble during her teen years. 

"alright, alright, anyone got any stories to follow that up?" morgan asked as the laughter slowly died down. 

"unfortunately the only story i have like that is when agent rossi" penelope shot him a pointed glance, "walked in while i had kevin over, but you all know that one. sorry, sugar."

"i'd tell one but with the kid listening i feel like it's storytime, and that would just be inappropriate." rossi said, raising his eyebrows at spencer.

everybody laughed while spencer stared indignantly at the older man. "i'm not a kid, i can hear the stories. i have stories of my own!" his mouth closed quickly as if he said something that he wasn't supposed to, which, going by derek's reaction, was entirely accurate. 

"oh you do, genius? you wanna tell us one?" he prompted with a thousand-watt grin.

"not really, no."

"aw come on, reid! i told one of my mother walking in on me! surely you can tell just one little old embarrassing story." emily cajoled.

once again, spencer sighed. "give me another shot or two and i'll tell it." his request was quickly fulfilled by penelope, who pulled two shots of tequila out from seemingly nowhere. he sighed again before taking the shots exactly as he did his first of the night - no hesitation, no flinching, no cringing. the others reacted in the same way - shock and slight horror.

"you really are a boy wonder, huh?" penelope mused with a disbelieving laugh.

"go on, tell the story." prentiss urged.

"okay, so, you say that the thing more awkward than being walked in on by a roommate is being walked in on by your parent. but you know what's worse? being walked in on by the other person's dad and then having to get straight in the dad's car for twenty minutes." he began.

"oh shit." derek uttered. "seriously?"

"shut up, morgan. let the boy tell the story." derek lifted his hands and rolled his eyes in response to rossi before letting the story continue.

"for context, we weren't aware he was gonna be home. he was meant to be gone for at least another two days and we uh, had music on really loud so we didn't hear the front door open. he didn't know i was there and we were pretty sure he was just coming to say to turn the music down, but he gets there and i'm not even aware of it at first because my eyes are closed and i was kind of - kind of distracted at the time. but i feel everything just, freeze. and i look up and he's just - he's stood in the doorway and we make the _most_ awkward eye contact i have ever made in my life. and to make matters worse, my partner is suddenly trying to get out of bed and get the blanket over us at the same time but we were on top of it so the blanket gets yanked, right? but my hands were, uh, not available to me at that moment-"

"oh? why was that?" hotch asked innocently, but the smirk hiding behind his glass gave away his true feelings of amusement.

spencer shot him a glare. "use your imagination. actually, no, don't. that's weird. anyway, so my hands were kind of, uh, like, you know - oh for god's sake, i'm not gonna be able to finish the story if i don't tell you so basically, my hands were tied to the headboard." he chose to ignore the whistles from his very immature teammates and the _atta boy_ from derek. "when the blanket got yanked from under me, it pulled me down with it and made my hand bend in a way it should not bend. and when i yell in pain, i guess that snaps the dad out of whatever frozen state he's in and he rushes over to help before realising i'm naked and he covers his eyes and shoves the blanket at me and then says to undo the rope and i'm still panicking so i'm like 'sorry sir but i'm a little tied up at the moment' and that was the absolute _worst_ thing to say but it worked because then the dad is glaring at me and pulling the rope off whilst trying to be careful and saying it's broken and to put some pants on and get down to his car so he can take me to the hospital and i swear to god, most uncomfortable twenty minute car ride of my life."

at the end of his story everybody but him was laughing, though he couldn't help cracking a small smile. the only person not full on laughing was hotch, who was chuckling but had a strange glint in his eye. he looked both suspicious and like he knew something that nobody else did. when spencer noticed, he raised an eyebrow at his boss. 

"you know, i can remember somebody else telling me a very similar story," he clicked his tongue as if in thought as spencer's eyes widened and his jaw dropped in terror. "i wonder just how similar they were, huh?"

"hotch, i'm- i'm sure it was just a coincidence." spencer attempted to convince him, though it was a very weak defense. 

"hmm, i'm not sure. because i have to say, they're practically the same story, just from different point of views."

at this point, they had the attention of the whole team, who were gazing curiously between the two men. 

"what are we missing?" jj wondered. 

"spencer?" when hotch heard the small 'yes?' come from his subordinate he said, "tell me, did i happen to hear this from the father in your story?"

as spencer sighed for the millionth time that night, his shoulders slumped in defeat and he nodded. a smile smile tugged at his lips that grew into a grin when he heard hotch laughing louder than the team had ever heard him laugh before. it made it even more peculiar to them when spencer then joined in.

"okay, okay, who was the father? if bossman knows, we get to know too!" penelope insisted.

"well, i suppose we _were_ talking about embarrassing stories and this is probably the most embarrassing part of all. you wanna know who the dad was?" seeing everybody's eager nods, he closed his eyes and confessed, "the dad was jason gideon. jason gideon walked in on me having sex and had to drive me to the hospital for a broken wrist that happened during said sex." 

he opened his eyes a second after saying it and saw everybody's dropped jaws, not including hotch who was sat with a grin that was positively shit-eating. even rossi, who usually prided himself on controlling his expressions, had his mouth hanging open.

"wait, wait," rossi said after opening and closing his mouth a few times, "jason had a daughter? i only knew about stephen." spencer's pursed lips were his only answer. "oh. oh lord. you had sex with stephen? i held him when he was a baby! i thought of him as a son! i didn't even know you were gay and now i find out you had sex with my son? _figlio di puttana_ , now i know how jason felt." 

this broke everyone out of their shock and made them laugh even harder than at the original story. "well, first of all," spencer giggled, "i'm bisexual, not gay. and second of all, oops?" this only served to make them laugh more. 

"when was this? how did i not know about this?" derek asked once his laughter was under control.

"oh my god, i remember you coming in with a broken wrist! you told elle it was from falling down the stairs while reading a book, you fibber!" penelope admonished.

"to be fair, would you have believed me if i told you the truth?"

"i know i was only on the team with gideon for a short while but if he walked in on me having kinky sex with his son, i would quit my job and leave, then and there. how on earth did you show up at work after that?" emily was simultaneously impressed at his ability to be professional and wondering how he could be so stupid.

"it wasn't _that_ kink- okay no that's not the point. but i mean, gideon wouldn't look at me for a week and then wouldn't look me in the eye until i got the cast off. it was super awkward, sure, but not as awkward as having to have the 'are you dating my son' conversation and having to tell my boss that no, he's not my boyfriend or anything, we just sleep together sometimes. wouldn't recommend." 

"i can't believe you were fuck buddies with jason gideon's son and we never knew." penelope laughed.

"a few weeks before you broke your wrist, you told me about a guy who was really good at suc-" a hand slapping over jj's mouth cut her off.

"i think you've had enough to drink, don't you think, jj?" maybe spencer was just trying to save his own ass, but he wasn't lying. the lady was slurring her words very heavily.

"just tell me this one thing." she demanded, pulling his hand away. "was stephen that guy you told me about?"

spencer smiled and quickly shook his head, ignoring emily's lighthearted jab of "you whore" before loudly claiming, "my turn to grab the next drinks! would everyone like their usuals?" 

"not so fast, baby!" called penelope. "the cocktail for this time is called 'reverse cowgirl' and i expect you to order one for each of us. plus maybe a shot of whatever you'd like us to have." 

spencer said he'd get right on it, rushing over to the bar and away from his still laughing friends. it was when he stood up that he felt the alcohol, causing him to stand swaying for a moment before continuing on his way. the flush on his face from ordering seven reverse cowgirls was easily passed off as being due to alcohol, especially when he added seven shots of vodka to the list. by the time he got back to the table, jj had passed out leaning on emily, a sight that made him smile. 

"so hotch and i won the bet, huh?"

"yes, we did. unfortunately being unit chief means i actually can't pass my paperwork onto anyone else no matter how many bets i win and i know derek and emily will just slip you files anyway, so did we really win anything other than bragging rights?"

"how about this - you guys don't have to pay for drinks the next time we're out." derek suggested, to which they agreed. 

"who gets jj's drinks?" emily asked.

the rest of the team decided that they wanted to see spencer knock back more shots but emily could have the cocktail. spencer took his shot first before grabbing jj's glass and clinking it against the others in a toast before they all took them together. another twenty minutes passed before that one question was bought up again, this time from rossi.

"you know, kid, i really am curious now. what do you do when you refuse to drink with us?"

spencer smirked as everyone's attention focused on him. "to tell you the truth, i do sit at home and read."

"really? you say no to hanging out with us to do something that takes you five minutes tops?" derek questioned.

"yep."

"why?" emily inquired.

"when i drink, i tend to lose my filter. sometimes i say stuff without thinking about it and i was worried i'd slip up and say something i shouldn't. but i've since learnt that i can hold my tongue if i really need to."

"this wouldn't happen to have anything to do with that email i got from the director, would it?" hotch asked. spencer nodded. "can i ask for more information about that yet?" 

"no, not yet. probably not for another year at least." 

the rest of the team looked at each other in confusion, each wondering if the others knew something. emily's head shifting woke up jj, who looked up and murmured something that vaguely sounded like 'what are we talking about', to which penelope answered, "spencer's talking about why he says no to drinking with us." this made jj wake up as much as she could in her drunken stupor and fix her gaze on the man in question.

"guys, i'm not allowed to tell you. the director doesn't even really know what it is, and it's literally illegal for me to explain anything."

"so, it's not for the fbi?" rossi looked suspicious.

"no. the most i can tell you is that it's for the cia, and i won't be able to elaborate until it's all fully over. but until then, it'll have to remain a mystery. if it makes you feel any better, it's only been for the past two years - before that i stayed in because i wanted to."

the reactions were mixed. penelope pouted; jj passed back out; hotch looked stoic as ever though he was bursting with intrigue below the surface; rossi looked curious; derek looked concerned but resigned; emily had a strangely knowing look in her eye. 

penelope announced that she needed to go toilet, so emily and her stumbled away to the bathroom, leaning heavily on each other as their drunkenness became apparent. jj's head was left resting on the table in front of them, and spencer put his previously discarded cardigan down for her to use as a pillow.

derek's attempts to question him more about the cia were stopped by the two agents getting back to the booth, saying that they better get home because it's late and they don't want to leave jj passed out in a bar for too long. after confirming that the unconscious woman would be staying at emily's so as not to disturb her child, the ladies left, mostly dragging jj out to find a cab. 

"as much as i have enjoyed learning all these new sides to the kid, i should start going too. i'm very slightly starting to get old, and i really shouldn't have tested it with all those shots."

"very slightly starting to?" spencer repeated. "rossi, i think you surpassed that like sixty years ago."

rossi sent him a fake nasty look as the other two remaining men chuckled. "i'm going to blame that on your apparent lack of a filter right now, but don't be surprised when you come into work and all the sugar's missing."

"you wouldn't dare, old man. you wouldn't be able to tolerate me without my sugar." 

"we'll see about that." he decided. he bid goodbye to the men and went out to call himself a ride home. 

of the three men that were left, hotch was the most sober.

"hotch man, i know you're like, a badass and everything but seriously, how can you still not be drunk?" derek wasn't sure whether to be impressed or terrified, but he was definitely confused when hotch chuckled and spencer drunkenly smirked.

"i've only had two glasses of wine."

"what? no, i saw you. you had as many empty glasses in front of you as the rest of us." the darker man insisted.

"yes, i did. but did you ever see me drink any of them?" he thought back, and hotch was right, he couldn't remember him drinking any other than a sip every now and then. his confusion shown on his face, so hotch explained, "i've been slipping spencer my drinks all night."

derek's mouth parted slightly and his brows furrowed as he looked over at his younger friend and finally noticed just how drunk he was. 

"derek!" spencer slurred. "you should close your mouth. i'd provide a statistic on catching flies but i never read any because it grosses me out thinking about it and i don't want that stuck in my head forever."

"it's okay, he can handle it." hotch assured. "we've spoken about it before. he gets drunk, just not with us. he says has college friends that don't ask about his work, but he was apparently known for how well he could hold his liquor. it seems that that quality stayed over the years."

derek shook his head and huffed out a laugh. "alright, whatever. just get him home safe."

"i will. i'm still sober enough to drive. care for a lift home?" 

"nah, i'm good. i don't wanna deal with him being this drunk so i'm gonna leave that to you, boss. just text me when you each get home, alright?"

hotch agreed and said that spencer would be spending the night at his as he didn't feel like walking the younger man up several flights of stairs to get to his own apartment. 

they started to say goodbye to the man ( _"i'll see you tomorrow, pretty boy" "call me that again and i might just have to kiss you, derek morgan" "i really wish i recorded that but i am so holding it against you tomorrow" "i know something else you could hold against me"_ ) before hotch stepped in, sensing that he was needed before spencer did something he would truly regret tomorrow. 

derek walked out of the bar laughing, and then it was only the two of them left. 

"are you ready to leave?" he wasn't actually giving spencer the option, but the drunken man wouldn't know that.

"sure, sure. one problem though?" 

"yes?"

"my legs seem to have been rendered immobile."

"...do you want me to carry you to my car, spencer?"

"well, if you insist, sir."

hotch laughed before doing as asked, lifting him bridal style and walking out of the bar. spencer's arms wrapped around his neck as he walked, and his head snuggled into the warm chest under his cheek. it was very soon after buckling him into his seat that spencer fell asleep, and he didn't wake up again until it was to light shining through curtains in a bedroom he vaguely recognised and a slight headache that he didn't appreciate. 

it took him longer than he'd be willing to admit to figure out where he was and why he was there but when he did, the whole night came rushing back to him. he got out of bed, finding himself in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt that was far too big on him. _oh god was i coherent enough to dress myself or did hotch have to change me like a child_ , he thought whilst walking down the stairs, finding himself following the smell of eggs and bacon into the kitchen.

"uh, hi sir."

"good morning, spencer." hotch was pushing eggs from a pan onto a plate that already contained a few pieces of bacon and sausages. "this one's yours. feel free to do yourself a cup of coffee, it's already in the pot."

"oh, you angel." spencer muttered, rushing towards the coffee pot. breakfast passed surprisingly smoothly, and he learnt that he did in fact dress himself. he wasn't particularly happy that he didn't remember it, but he was glad his boss hadn't had to treat him like a baby.

it turned out that he had left a go-bag there the last time that he had stayed at hotch's (his heating had broke in the middle of winter and he had nowhere else to go for the week it was off), so he got dressed and they each went about their normal mornings. spencer was just glad that his headache had faded not long after taking two tylenol and that was the extent of his hangover.

when they got to work not long later, they were the first there. this meant that they could watch as each of their coworkers dragged themselves in. rossi came in with slightly squinted eyes and a slightly more grumpy attitude than usual, but generally seemed fine. then came prentiss and jj, both with sunglasses on and coffee in hand, refusing to talk. lastly came garcia and morgan. the former with slightly less sparkle than usual and the latter with a grin so wide that it confused the genius.

"so, dr. reid," he drawled, and reid felt the dead creeping up, "how are you feeling?"

"uh, i'm feeling fine, morgan."

"oh really? so, is it okay for me to call you 'pretty boy' again or are you gonna get too excited?" he teased. 

reid felt his face flame as he remembered what the other agent was referring to. the others looked confused whilst hotch had the ghost of a smile on his face. 

"shut up, morgan." he felt that it was impossible for his face to get any redder.

"you weren't saying that last night, _pretty boy_." well, would you look at that? it seems that nothing really is impossible.

"i hate you." 

"i never knew you turned into such a little flirt when you were drunk."

"i'm sorry, _what_?" garcia squeaked. "the good doctor was flirting? and i _missed it_?!"

spencer looked down at his desk, fighting the urge to slam his forehead against it. 

"he was quite smooth actually. i'm fairly certain that if i hadn't have stepped in, he would've woken up in morgan's bed rather than my guestroom." 

spencer dropped his forehead onto his desk.

"okay, this i have got to hear." rossi urged.

as morgan told the story, reid let a small smile stretch across his face that was still pressed against his desk. he was glad he had gone out with them, he'd missed their nights together. slightly less glad when he heard garcia call him a geeky casanova, but still glad.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! of course, all feedback is appreciated and please point out any errors:)
> 
> i have a [tumblr](http://sadspencer.tumblr.com) too with the same username as here:)


End file.
